Tuesday, March 30, 2010

countless kids and counting

If you have access to cable television, then you likely have encountered TLC, or Trainwreck-Laden Channel as we like to call it. TLC is home to all the fucked-uppery we can't seem to stop watching, shows like:

  • I'm Incredibly Fucking Fat
  • Pregnant and Fat
  • Babies and Their Stupid, Stupid Parents
  • Babies Babies Babies Babies YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY
  • Why Do We Keep Filming Thi$ Family When They Just Need $ome Goddamned Privacy to Work on Their Per$onal I$$ue$
  • You Suck at Getting Dressed
  • Toddlers and Tiaras: Mothers Living Vicariously Through Their Grossly Made-up, Over-Sexualized, Young Young Too Young Daughters Why God Why
  • LOL Midgets
And of course, 17 18 19 Kids and Counting. This show centers around a family too religious and/or retarded to use birth control, and the mother just keeps having kids. More recently, one of her daughters-in-law has just had a child, making Mommy Duggar a grandmother. The two women were pregnant together. Imagine being pregnant for the first time - the joy and excitement at something beautiful and new that you made with your darling, a perfect combination of his blue eyes and your thick hair - oh how wonderful it's all going to be! Then imagine being pregnant at the same time as your mother-in-law, who has had so many children that having a baby is as exciting as taking a shit. How's that for raining on your birth parade. And Mommy Duggar's births are parades, with the entire family in the hospital wings waiting to walk by and pat the new little bundle on the head, then get back to their lives of ... what do they even do? Go on "educational" trips? Build bigger houses? Laundry?

Watching this show is a constant reminder why I have an IUD - who the FUCK needs a 40-man roster living in their house? Let's bust out the calculator for a second. If all of the Duggars' currently born children eventually decide to procreate in a similar fashion as their parents, do you all realize how many people that would produce?


Can you imagine the family gatherings? Realistically, though, the entire family can't be that ridiculous. Can they? Please God, we don't need TLC making any more money off of this woman's scarred and cratered uterus (which probably looks like the surface of Miranda by now).

For the love of global preservation, Duggar family, just stop having kids. That last one pretty much fell out.

Friday, January 22, 2010

cooking with kelli

It's true. I can't cook worth a god damn. I am most shamefully undomestic, which is why this blog is not and will never be Advice from Mrs. Clean! or It's Time for Some Motherfucking Recipes. Oh wait, except IT IS TIME FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKING RECIPES. One recipe. My personal favorite, invented while pregnant, is known as "Cholesterol Soup" and is a hearty dish for only the fattest of women and strongest of hearts. There is no way that anyone should ever actually eat this ever.

  • vanilla ice cream
  • 9 (nine. YES. NINE.) Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies
  • 3-4 ounces Hershey's Chocolate Syrup, in a pinch bowl or container of equivalent size
  • Lipitor
  1. Scoop out your ice cream into a medium-sized bowl. Set aside.
  2. Place The Fellowship of the Cookies on a napkin or microwave safe plate. Microwave for 30 seconds - but WAIT
  3. Open the microwave at 15 seconds NO MORE NO LESS. Place bowl of chocolate syrup into microwave with cookies. Hope the radiation did not do more damage to your organs than the meal is about to do.
  4. Don't forget to press start.
  5. Take your warm, crispy, melty, manufacturey cookies and crumble them over the ice cream.
  6. Slowly pour the now very viscous syrup atop the cookies.
  7. Take a strong spoon - not your flimsy plastic or pussy aluminum - and stir the shit out of the mixture.
  8. Once the ice cream looks soupy, you're done.
  9. Take a bite.
  10. Die in ecstasy. Or of a heart attack, it's really hard to tell at this point in my obesity.
I ate this very dish tonight (without dying!) while naked. In the bathtub. Drizzling chocolately vanilla cookie goodness all down my chin and into my bathwater. I think there's still some in my bellybutton - yep. Mmmmmmm. It's still good, an hour later.

Disclaimer: if lactose intolerant,
Do We Really Need Pants? cannot recommend Cholesterol Soup on good conscience. Last weekend I ate two bowls and had diarrhea for five days.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

you still don't know us

... and maybe you never will. We're busy, bitches. Work, kids, school, family, other shit. We didn't mean to abandon our nonexistent readers, but life gets in the way of blogging. Especially when owners of said blog are two of the most epic procrastinators on the goddamned planet. Listen, when we rule at things, we rule hard, and this includes ignoring everything but our children and liquor cabinets. (HA! A liquor cabinet! As if we could afford to buy enough liquor that we couldn't finish in one night and still had enough left over for warranting a miniature panic room.) While we work on sobering up long enough to construct some more meaningful, or at least existent, posts... why don't you mosey on over to Kellina's bad-ass but extraordinarily sparse blog? It will give you a little taste of what we have planned for months and months and months and never actually done anything about.

Oh God. This could be the last post you ever see from us.

Okay, okay. Really - if Kellina takes her Adderall and Kelli stops eating Krispy Kremes long enough to, you know, do anything else, this won't be the last you see from the Do We Really Need Pants Team of Sexually Fantastical Genius Goddesses.

First things first: I think we need a nickname.

Monday, June 8, 2009

etsy monday - plume

This fabulous hair clip has a vintage, ostentatious feel. Wear it and get it, girl.

(From Etsy seller Valentine Valentine.)

Monday, May 11, 2009

etsy monday - a girl's best friend

What can I say, I am a girl. I love diamonds and have a deep affinity for tea towels. This combination is just yummy.
(From Etsy seller artgoodies.)

Monday, May 4, 2009

etsy monday - hooray beer

There's nothing better, or more pointless, than cracking open a cold Red Stripe and pouring it into a Red Stripe glass.

(From Etsy seller Nicholas Paul.)

Monday, April 27, 2009

etsy monday - it's got that good fat

Okay, okay. I obviously am a little obsessed with tiny food as jewelry. You can't tell me, though, that this avocado necklace doesn't make you immediately want a minature bowl of guacamole. Too bad Kellina is allergic, and I actually hate them.

(From Etsy seller CuteAbility.)