Friday, January 22, 2010

cooking with kelli

It's true. I can't cook worth a god damn. I am most shamefully undomestic, which is why this blog is not and will never be Advice from Mrs. Clean! or It's Time for Some Motherfucking Recipes. Oh wait, except IT IS TIME FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKING RECIPES. One recipe. My personal favorite, invented while pregnant, is known as "Cholesterol Soup" and is a hearty dish for only the fattest of women and strongest of hearts. There is no way that anyone should ever actually eat this ever.

  • vanilla ice cream
  • 9 (nine. YES. NINE.) Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies
  • 3-4 ounces Hershey's Chocolate Syrup, in a pinch bowl or container of equivalent size
  • Lipitor
  1. Scoop out your ice cream into a medium-sized bowl. Set aside.
  2. Place The Fellowship of the Cookies on a napkin or microwave safe plate. Microwave for 30 seconds - but WAIT
  3. Open the microwave at 15 seconds NO MORE NO LESS. Place bowl of chocolate syrup into microwave with cookies. Hope the radiation did not do more damage to your organs than the meal is about to do.
  4. Don't forget to press start.
  5. Take your warm, crispy, melty, manufacturey cookies and crumble them over the ice cream.
  6. Slowly pour the now very viscous syrup atop the cookies.
  7. Take a strong spoon - not your flimsy plastic or pussy aluminum - and stir the shit out of the mixture.
  8. Once the ice cream looks soupy, you're done.
  9. Take a bite.
  10. Die in ecstasy. Or of a heart attack, it's really hard to tell at this point in my obesity.
I ate this very dish tonight (without dying!) while naked. In the bathtub. Drizzling chocolately vanilla cookie goodness all down my chin and into my bathwater. I think there's still some in my bellybutton - yep. Mmmmmmm. It's still good, an hour later.

Disclaimer: if lactose intolerant,
Do We Really Need Pants? cannot recommend Cholesterol Soup on good conscience. Last weekend I ate two bowls and had diarrhea for five days.